Thinking Positive and Motivation Monday

Hello Friends. Sorry I've been MIA.  We have had a ridiculous month filled with chaos.  In the past month,we have had water in our basement 5 times. Carpet has been torn out. Walls have been torn down. Drains have been clogged and unclogged. Turns out our basement window wells are not properly waterproofed, so while we take care of that- everything from down stairs is upstairs. Toys are everywhere, tools are everywhere, beer and wine glasses are everywhere. The dog keeps escaping while we are trying to get stuff in/out of the house and backyard. It has rained almost every day in the past month and there is mud everywhere- EVERYWHERE!-  while we attempt to waterproof the window wells  (tutorial coming soon) in between rainstorms, work, and family functions.  On top of that, I was asked to come back to work full-time, only to be dropped down to part-time and told that the funding for my job may or may not be renewed come September- making it impossible to plan for childcare and our future; I dropped my cellphone in the toilet; and Weston has been running a high fever for a few days.

I'm pretty close to my breaking point. But when I write it down and sort it out- it's really not that bad, right?  So, we flooded. So, there is crap everywhere. For every crappy thing that has happened there are a million things to be thankful for.  My amazing, loving, smart little

Tips on how to talk to your friends and family about gun safety

A few weeks ago we were invited to a BBQ at a family members home. This couple does not have children and happen to own a few guns, one of which I know they keep in a pretty accessible place in their bedroom. The invite took place through a text and I replied that we would love come, but I asked if they could lock up the handgun while we were there. I was met with resistance and, long story short, I told them that we wouldn’t be coming if the handgun was not in the safe.

After looking back through the text messages, I realized that (a) my message probably seemed a little brazen- “Hey, we’ll be there, but only if you lock up the guns?” and (b) it was actually a group text message, so all of this family member’s friends had also been privy to the conversation. Knowing this person, I also realized that she probably thought I was attacking her or judging her for owning a handgun (which I wasn’t). So, rather than continuing the discussion over email, I called her. I apologized for sending the request through a text message and explained that I wasn’t trying to offend her and her husband, and that I realized what I had written probably sounded really rude, but I didn’t really mean it that way-- such is the nature of a text message. I explained that I believe in a person’s right to own a firearm, but I would appreciate it if that firearm was in a safe while we are there with our son. And if it wasn’t that we wouldn’t be attending the BBQ.

It turned out, I was right, she did feel like I was attacking her, or somehow implying that she was a hillbilly who kept guns all around the house. And she was also a little embarrassed that it went to all her friends on the text message. After my apology, I clearly laid out why we wouldn’t be able to attend the BBQ if the handgun was not properly locked in a safe. By age 1, a toddler can squeeze your finger with 7 pounds of pressure, approximately the same amount needed to pull a gun trigger. He’s curious. He’s smart. He wants to know what everything is. He wants to touch everything. I could think of at least ten ways my son could find his way into that room where the gun is stored and easily pull that trigger if he were to find it. It’s absolutely ignorant to think that it couldn’t happen to you or me. And I’m not just worried about him shooting himself- what if he finds it and shoots another person? If a person wants to own a gun- that is their choice and their right, but along with that right comes responsibility. I was still met with some resistance, but I continued to firmly, but politely press my point. By the end of the conversation, I had convinced her that the best place for the handgun to be while kids were over was in the safe.

It was an incredibly uncomfortable conversation to have, but it was necessary. I held my ground and I didn’t back down. It was one of the first times I felt like a threatened Mama Bear! Since then I’ve had conversations with other couples who have found themselves in the same sort of situation with their family and friends, and they too felt it an incredibly necessary conversation to have. I don’t expect our friends and family who don’t have children to run around and childproof their homes when we come over, but I do expect that if they invite us over, they take into consideration the potential dangers in their home...especially if one of those dangers is a deadly weapon. We move the knives away from the edge of the counter, we make sure access to pools is limited, we make sure dogs are friendly with kids, we remind parents of food allergies, we move harmful chemicals away from reach, and we should start making sure that guns are locked up.

If you are struggling with ways to talk to friends and family about gun safety this is one of those times where it’s best to just do it. Don’t over think it. Don’t worry about offending anyone. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to keep your kid safe. If you are still a little unsure about how to broach the topic- check out the Mom’s Demand Action For Gun Sense in America Be Smart Campaign. They offer a short video and downloadable PDFs with tips on how to talk to friends and family about gun safety.

MAKE IT PART OF A GENERAL SAFETY DISCUSSION

The main thing I learned from this situation is that it’s not the question but how you ask the question. It’s probably not best to try to have the discussion over text message. There may be some information you are trying to clarify that is difficult to convey over text. Try to have the conversation in person or over-the-phone. Text messages can seem dry and rude, especially since the person cannot hear the inflection and/or concern in your voice. If you have a regular checklist you go over before play date- include the question “do you have any firearms and how do you store them?” as a checklist time. You may be nervous the first few times you ask, but it will get easier with time. If they indicate that they own a firearm and are not willing to store it safely, you may want to rethink your visit.

DON’T WAIT TO BE ASKED: VOLUNTEER INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR OWN HOME

If you plan on having children over, offer the information before other parents have a chance to ask. This way you take the pressure off of them to ask what they may think are uncomfortable questions and they will realize things like safe gun storage are on your radar, so they may not be as surprised when you broach the topic before coming to their house.

REMEMBER: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE GUN; IT’S ABOUT WHETHER IT’S SECURED

Ask nicely and don’t judge. Some people hunt. Some people would like a firearm because it makes them feel safe. It doesn’t matter why they own one, it only matters that it is stored properly while your child is over.

USE TECHNOLOGY TO YOUR ADVANTAGE

The Be Smart campaign suggests using technology to your advantage and texting or sending email if you think it would make it less uncomfortable. I think that this would work in many cases- you just have to know your audience.

DON’T FORGET TO TALK TO FAMILY

Don’t forget to talk to anyone for that matter. If you’re child will be in someone else’s home- make sure you know how they store their firearms.



Has anyone else encountered a similar situation when talking to friend or family about gun safety?  Do you have any tips to help navigate this subject?  Let us know in the comments below!


Additional Resources:

Be SMART Campaign
Every Town for Gun Safety
Mom's Demand Action for Gun Sense
Guns Within Reach- Parents Magazine
Before the Play Date, the Gun Talk - CNN

Baby Sign Language

Hello Friends. Today I want to talk to you about baby sign language. You may have heard how teaching your baby sign language can reduce fussy tantrums and the frustration your child may feel when she/he cannot verbally express what they want or how they are feeling. But researchers also believe that it improves your little one’s confidence and self-esteem and aids in speech development!

A few years ago, I watched my friend and her toddler communicate through baby sign language I thought it was the coolest thing. So when I had Weston, I knew it was something I wanted to try. I don’t think Dennis was fully on board at first, but after he saw how it facilitated communication between us, he was all in. I remember the first day Weston used a sign. He was sitting down, whining, and when I asked him what he wanted- he looked me in the eye and made the sign for milk! So I fed him and he stopped whining! It was glorious.

I learned the alphabet in sign language when I was in third grade but I didn't really know much of anything else. So a random google search led me to Baby Sign Language.com  an absolutely FREE guide to teaching your little one sign language. I started with the Quick Start Guide which consists of some videos and drawings that taught me some basic signs as well as how to teach them to my son. Essentially you just make the sign and say the word while you are doing the activity and they eventually catch on. Babies are smart. I started signing with Weston really early, like around 4 months, but you can really start at any age. Babies, however, generally won't pick up on signing until around 8 to 10 months, so it's important to not get frustrated if your child doesn't start signing right away. Weston picked it up around 8 months.

We eventually taught him the signs for:

Eat/Hungry
More
All Done
Drink/Thirsty
Mom
Dad
Eat
Milk
Diaper (for diaper changes)
Ball
Up
Down

.....and those have pretty much gotten us through until now. He is really verbal now, so we use signing less and less, although he does still continue to use some signs. I am thinking about continuing to teach him, so he can maybe learn American Sign Language when he gets older. Baby Sign Language.com offers charts, flashcards, and books for sale, but money is tight so I've been sticking with the free online resources they provide, like their dictionary.

I should note that we are not an affiliate of Baby Sign Language.com and we are not receiving anything in return by advertising their website. I just find it awesome that its free and easy to use! The woman in the videos presents each sign clearly and efficiently and I love her enthusiasm in these short 30 sec videos.

I should also note, that baby sign language is not the be all and end all in communication with your toddler. I do feel, however, that it has strengthened our relationship because he is able to communicate to me what he needs and I am able to give it to him. But there are definitely times when he wants something he can't have at the moment and then, well...there's a tantrum. But alas....I guess that's what happens during the toddler years.

Are any of you using baby sign language or have you in the past? How has it worked out for you? Would you recommend it to other parents?

Let's all Just Be a Little More Supportive

I recently found myself in a heated discussion with some of my extended family members (both men and women) about breastfeeding past 1 year. Someone mentioned that a friend of ours was still breastfeeding their 18-month and I said Oh, that's nice. I wish I was still breastfeeding, to which was met a chorus of Oh my gosh, that's gross! and If their old enough to ask for it, they shouldn't be breastfeeding! and Really, you would be doing that? I really just wanted to kick everyone out my house, but we were having such a good time up until that point, so I decided to use the opportunity to try to educate them. When I pointed out that up until very recently, many of our female ancestors breastfed their children for 2,3,4 years and that in many countries, is is the norm, there was an overwhelming That's disgusting! My sister-in-law was the only one who had the decency not to say anything rude. My husband on the other hand, was voicing his opinion loud and clear about how gross he thought it was.  Bad move, honey.

I eventually told everyone that it's really none of their business when a mother decides to stop breastfeeding and since its not affecting them they shouldn't even really be concerned about it. The conversation ended but  I was pretty upset for the rest of the day. When my husband and I talked about it later,he didn't understand why I was so upset. So I asked him how he thought it makes me feel that if I was still breastfeeding our son that he would think I was 'gross and disgusting'.  Because there are days that I really wish that I was still breastfeeding our son. He's a very well-fed child with a varied and extremely nutritional diet, but I always wonder if he's missing out on something extra that I can't provide him with anymore. We eventually worked it out, but its frustrating to think that this conversation even had to happen!  Less than 100 years ago, or if we lived in a country that is more supportive of breastfeeding, this wouldn't have even been an issue! I'm sick of explaining to people that breastfeeding (babies and toddlers) is not gross and that is a completely natural thing that has occurred for hundreds of thousands of years -- and it's how humanity got to where we are today.

For the record, and as my husband pointed out, I once said that I thought breastfeeding a toddler was weird. However, that was when I was a young and ignorant 25 year old, uneducated in the ways of motherhood- way before I became a mother and learned about breastfeeding, the relationship is creates between mother and baby, and the nutritional and immunological values breastmilk has. And I feel just awful that I judged mothers who were just doing what they thought was best.

The point is, is that we all need to just stop judging each other. Part of the reason Kathryn and I started this blog is that we wanted to share the different experiences we have with motherhood. There is not one right way to parent and for every handful of similar experiences we have, there are a handful of things that people just do differently. Sure, you are entitled to your opinion, but if someone else's actions aren't harming you or someone else, what is the point?  Some women can't breastfeed or don't want to. Others want to do it as long as they can. Some women don't care who sees them breastfeeding and others are more modest about it. At the end of the day, we're all just ladies try to feed our babies. So carry on sisters - do what you think is best for you and your babies. Let's stop judging each other and start being more supportive.  If everyone was just a little less judgmental we'd all save ourselves a lot of stress and probably be a little more happier at the end of the day.

Guide to Plastic Alternatives

We’ve all heard about the dangers of BPA and pthalates leaching into our foods. And if you haven’t, I encourage you to read the articles listed in the resources section at the bottom of this page. Especially these two: The Scary New Evidence on BPA-Free Plastics and the Big Tobacco-style campaign to bury it and These popular plastic bottles may be messing with your hormones. Also, please check out the Environmental Working Group's Guide to BPA.

I first heard about BPA almost five years ago, when my sister was shopping for a BPA-free shower curtain because she was concerned about the chemical leaching into her sons bath water. The more research I did on the chemical, the more I tried to eliminate it from our lives. I immediately scrapped all of my old plastic tupperware and drinking cups—even my beloved Nalgene—and switched to BPA-free plastics. I tried my damnedest not to buy anything in a can, since most canned foods are lined with BPA. I stopped heating food in plastic containers in the microwave, since chemicals in plastic can leach into your food when heated. We also stopped using non-stick teflon pans as well, because when heated at high temperatures, teflon releases PFCs, chemicals that “may kill pet birds and cause people to develop flu-like symptoms (called "Teflon Flu" or, as scientists describe it, "Polymer fume fever")," and switched to cast iron and stainless steel.

When we registered for our baby shower, we didn’t even consider glass bottles or dishware—we figured the baby would be throwing things all over the place in just a few months so we asked for BPA-free plastic and melamine dishware (how could you not want those adorable, colorful Jonathan Adler Owl bowls at Buy Buy Baby?!). I don’t know why, but I never even considered what other types of chemicals might be leaching out of the plasticware, into our food, and then into us—especially our sweet baby boy—until I stumbled upon an article discussing how some studies have shown that even BPA-free plastics leach potentially harmful estrogren-mimicking chemicals as well as other chemicals, such as pthalates, that can significantly lower testosterone levels.

I realize its almost impossible to live without plastics. And I am not writing this post to fear-monger you into throwing out your plastic. What I do want to do is make sure you are equipped with the information to help you make an informed decision. I’ve provided a list of resources that I’ve found helpful, but I encourage you to do your own research and make a decision that you feel is best for your family. As for me, over the past year I’ve been slowly ridding our house of unneeded plastic food storage, food prep, and utensils-even my lovely melamine mixing bowls- since this is where most exposure happens. I’ve replaced almost everything with glass, stainless steel, bamboo, or silicone. It's still a work in progress and yes, we still do occasionally use plastic food storage and utensils. But we're definitely more conscious about what we eat out of and when we can, we try to avoid it all together. Note: Silicone is considered an inert substance and a safe alternative to plastic. However, there is not a lot of scientific evidence that proves or disproves this.

If you’re ready to rid your kitchen of plastic—recycle those plastic cups, dishes, mixing bowls, colanders, measuring cups and spoons, water bottles, cutting boards and anything else you can think of and replace them with ceramic, china, glass, stainless steel, bamboo, or silicone. There are many affordable options at almost every store. It's all about your taste and budget.

For baby specific items, check out some of my recommendations below.

BOTTLES

I absolutely love the stainless steel bottles by Pura Kiki because they are multi-functional and all parts are completely plastic free. Only stainless steel and silicone here. As your baby grows, the bottle converts from a bottle to a sippy cup with the change of the nipple. The company is in the process of developing a straw attachment so you can get even more use out of the bottle, which will hopefully be out in 2015. If your baby doesn't like the Pura nipple, the system is compatible with Avent Sport Spout, ThinkBaby, Born Free, Dr. Brown's Wide Neck, MAM, Pigeon, and UPIS nipples. You can even use them as snack containers by popping on a silicone sealing disk!! Bottles come in 5 oz, 9 oz and 11 oz sizes and are also sold in sets. Silcone sleeves in short and tall can be purchased separately. I haven't been able to find the Pura Kiki brand in any stores near my home but Amazon has a great selection. You can also buy products directly from Pura's website. Visit Pura Kiki for information.

Thinkbaby is another innovative company with a stainless steel bottle option. Bottles come in 9oz and like the Pura bottles, convert into a sippy or straw cup. You can also purchase a neoprene sleeve made of limestone. You can also buy products directly from Thinkbaby's website. Visit Thinkbaby for more information.

Lifefactory has a similar system for glass bottles. Any standard size nipple is compatible with this bottle. Wide neck nipples are not. Each bottle comes with a silicone sleeve. Bottles and silicone parts are BPA/BPS-free and phtalate-free. The flat caps and straw caps contain plastic parts that are BPA and phtalate-free. Bottles are sold in 4 oz, 9 oz, 12 oz and 22 oz sizes as well as sets. The 22 oz bottles make great teen and adult water bottles as well. You can also buy products directly from Lifefactory's website.Visit Lifefactory or more information.

As I've stated previously, I loved the Avent Natural Bottle and just realized that they come in glass too! They are sold in 8 oz sizes and in sets.These bottles are really easy to assemble and for us, most mimicked the breast. They are also available Buy Buy Baby and Babies R' Us.

SIPPY & STRAW CUPS

The Pura Kiki and Lifefactory bottles discussed above grow with your child and adjust from bottles to sippy cups to straw cups to snack holders with the switch of the lid. But if your just looking for a plain ole' sippy or straw cup I suggest the Thermos Foogo series. Sippys and straw cups both com ein 10oz sizes.

If you are looking for a glass option but are wary, Green Sprouts makes a glass sip'n'straw cup that is encased in PVC- and BPA-free plastic. The sip'n'straw comes with a silicone spout, silicone sipper and a shock absorbent rubber base. The liquid never touches the plastic. They come in a 4 oz size and are also available at Buy Buy Baby.

SNACK CONTAINERS

Again, the Pura Kiki and Lifefactory bottles adjust into snack holders with a switch of the lid, but if your looking for something different, Thermos Foogo also makes a 10 oz snack holder..

ECOLunchbox, Kids Konserve, LunchBots,and PlanetBox  all make stainless steel lunch containers for safe, easy, on-the-go eating.

UTENSILS

When it comes to utensils- spoons are spoons and forks are forks, right? There are a plethora of options each claiming to be the next amazing tool to help your kid eat. I don't believe there is a single utensil out there is going to help your kid become a great eater—half the time Weston just uses his hands. But when he does use utensils, we use the Oxo Tot Feeding Spoon. They're inexpensive and hold up to a toddler who loves to throw them and bang them on things. Other great silicone spoon options include Sweet Baby Carrot, Boon Benders, and Gerber Graduates; all perfect for little hands learning how to eat with utensils.

Kiddobloom has a great stainless steel silverware set as does Oxo and Vital Baby. All are affordable and made for kids.

Miraclekoo makes the cutest bamboo set for kids! Bambu makes a simple, affordable fork and spoon combo and Urban Infant Kids makes a great travel set.

Spuni offers childrens spoons made from medical grade TPE (thermoplastic elastomers) and polypropylene or wood. All of their materials are phtalate, BPA, BPS, and PVC free. I'm not quite sure if this is a joke, but it looks like you could also purchase a customized Spuni for $12,000 in either gold, rose gold, or platinum. Uhhhh...yeah.

BOWLS AND PLATES

Like utensils, bowls are bowl and plates are plates. EcoLunchbox, Lunchbots, and Thinkbaby all have great, affordable feeding sets and trays.

Silicone options include bowls and trays from Kinderville, Green Sprouts, and Lexnfant make some great silicone containers for toddlers.

EcoBamboo has the cutest eating set and Bambu offers plain but beautiful bamboo bowls.

We use Anchor Hocking or Pyrex 1 and 2 cup glass bowls. You can usually find these at Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Meijer, Walmart, or any other big box store. I like the Tru-seal lids, but haven't been able to find them anywhere but Amazon. We purchased a set of six 1-cup containers for Weston to use. We purchased about 8 of the 4-cup containers for general family food storage—soups, chili, leftovers, etc. In my opinion they are the perfect size for individual portions and they can be warmed up in the microwave (sans lid) with no worry.

I encourage you to do your research and choose the products that are best for your family. There are so many options out there!

Did you recently make the choice to rid your kitchen of plastic? Let us know what products you chose!Are there any products you absolutely love, but we neglected to get on our list? Let us know and we'll help spread the word.

RESOURCES

The Scary New Evidence on BPA-Free Plastics and the Big Tobacco-style campaign to bury it

These Popular Plastic Bottles May be Messing with Your Hormones

Just How Harmful are BPAs?

Pots, Pans, and Plastics: A Shoppers Guide to Food Safety

BPA-free Plastic Risks

Melamine in Tableware: Q&A 

How Chemicals in Plastic Lower Testosterone

Common Chemicals May Lower Testosterone, Study Finds

Guide to Less Toxic Products

EWGs Guide to BPA

What Is Your All?

I am part of a Women in Science group at my work where the conversation often turns to the topic of family-work balance and if women can really have it all. Usually the all is implied as maintaining a rewarding full-time career (usually in a high profile position, but not always), while still spending ample time with your children and partner, and being happy, chipper and stress-free at the end of the day. A quick Google search will supply you with hundreds of articles on the topic with people on all sides of the debate. Nope, sorry, you can’t. Yes, yes you can! You can….just not at the same time. But what’s the real answer? Can we have it all or can’t we? Should we work harder or just stop trying? If I don’t want it all is that OK?  If I don't, will they take away my Feminist pin? What kind of stress are we putting on ourselves trying to achieve it all? And what kind of message are we sending to the young women and men who will inevitably fill our shoes?

While searching for some answers I came across this article: Why It's So Damaging To Tell Women They Can't Have It All (And Why I'm So Tired Of Hearing It) written by Kathy Caprino, a Women’s Career Success Coach. In her article, Caprino suggests a more positive way to frame this discussion. She says “Thinking about ‘having it all’ is a waste of time and a negative way to view your life. Think instead about, ‘What do I love, what do I need to do to be happy, and what decisions can I make today that will honor my needs and wants'?"  This really resonated with me, because, as an employee, mother, and wife, I feel like I am constantly trying to make someone else happy and I often neglect how I feel about something in order to placate a tense situation at work and sometimes even at home.

About a year ago, the Women in Science group hosted a presentation that was advertised as Join us while Mrs. X shares her secrets for finding that work-life balance! I was really excited to attend because I was newly pregnant and was already wrestling with how I would manage wanting to spend as much time as possible with my baby and husband while still working a full-time, sometimes demanding job- in which I was looking to climb the ranks-coupled with a long commute. The guest speaker was a woman who works for our company. She is the head of her division, is married with one child, and over the course of her career has been in charge of starting offices all over the country for various companies. During the presentation she told us that her career was and is very demanding. She has moved all over the country. She works a lot of hours. She was often gone for long periods of time on work travel. But she didn't regret it all because she wanted to have a career and she was exactly where she wanted to be.

When asked for advice on how to pursue a career while still having time to spend with family, her advice was as follows. Never work part-time because you wouldn't be taken as seriously as a full-time employee in your office. Never become a stay-at-home-mom because it would take you out of the work force for too long and it would be really hard to get a job when you were ready to work again. If you want to get ahead in your career, she suggested working hard and ‘playing with the big boys.’ Sometimes that means working long hours and missing soccer games. Sometimes that means your child spends more time in daycare than you would like. She also informed us that her husband had a very flexible schedule and he was able to work from home a lot. He often had the responsibility of picking up their child from school, staying home if their kid was sick, helping with homework and doing much of the day-to-day stuff that comes along with having children. She took a two-to-three week vacation with her family every year to relax and bond and after that was over she was back at work. When I left the presentation, I was kind of upset. I felt like she didn't really give us any useful advice on how to put equal energy into both work and family because her husband was responsible for most of the day-to-day childcare. I also felt like she was judging people like me who were thinking about doing some of the things she was suggesting we not do.

After stewing about this for a bit, I eventually just got mad at myself for thinking badly about this woman. Why was I judging her when she was clearly just telling us what worked for her and her family? She wasn't giving bad advice, in fact she touched upon some very important issues that mothers face when they have children and work. In her situation, her husband's job was more flexible.  Hers wasn't flexible at all.  They both had to make sacrifices, just on different levels. She had a clear vision of what her all was and it was just different than mine.  I eventually had my son and I realized what my all was.  I also realized that every women's all is different. 

I’m passionate about my career, but I am more passionate about my family. Right now, for me, my all is being able to stay at home with my son while still pursing a career I am passionate about on a part-time basis.I went back full-time for a month and I had a very hard time being the employee and the Mom I wanted to be. For me, full-time means a lot of travel and long hours. When I was at work, I was anxious about not spending enough time with my son. When I was home, I was tired, a little stressed and anxious about travelling for work. So I decided that for now, working part-time is my best option. I could be making more money and taking on more responsibility but I am simply not OK with the extra demands of travel and full time work now that I have a child. So for now, the career part is on the back burner. It’s not on hold, but it is moving a little more slowly than it would if I didn't have a child. And that’s OK, because I made that choice with my husband and I have the full support of my family and (most of my) colleagues. It's a choice many of them made when they were raising their kids. I know that working part-time is not an option that many employers offer and I consider myself very lucky that I am able to work at a job I love with people who aren't concerned with the amount of hours I work as much as the quality of work I do. (I think more companies should take this approach, but I suppose that is an entirely different post).

I should be a little more clear on something.  I guess I should say that I have the support of most of the women and men in my division who have children. There are a few women who I work with (who have not had children) who have actually questioned me as to why I decided to have kids and not work as much, in a very audacious and brazen way I may add (and it is only women who have questioned me, likely because they wrestle with the same questions).

The following are questions that I have fielded within the past year, and my answers:

What is the point of getting your degree if your career is just going to take a back seat? I still get to work in the field I obtained my degree in and I contribute on a high level to research projects going on in the division- I have the best of both worlds, really.  And furthermore- even if I chose to stay at home full-time---higher education doesn't just prepare you for the workforce.  It helps you make informed decision in your daily life regardless of what you decide to do after college! 

Isn't your research important to you? Yes.

Aren't you bored? No.  My little guy keeps me on my toes from 5 a.m. to 8 p.m. I get to play, sing, act silly, and teach him all about this wonderful world. I get hugs and kisses and giggles all day long and  I LOVE IT!

I think that even if  daycare costs more than I made, I would still work. Good for you, but that's not for me! (Thanks, Amy Poehler!)

Why is your career less important than your husbands? It's not. We both make sacrifices. If there is a day that I work and we need to take our son to a doctor's appointment or he is sick, or whatever, my husband takes him. On the days I don't work, I take him.  If we both have busy days we figure out whose day will be less likely affected by staying home and we go from there. We both make sacrifices. We had a child. It's no longer about me or him. It's about all of us.

Aren't you bored??? Nope. Really. Come spend a day here and I guarantee you'll have more excitement than a day in the office.

I suppose I had the same feelings before I had children, but I have since realized that it doesn't do anybody any good to judge your female coworkers or male coworkers for that matter. At the end of the day, we are all Moms and Dads who are trying to set strong examples for our children while honoring our own needs and wants and we shouldn't be judged by the path we take to get there. (As long as that path isn't harming anyone).

Looking back, I think the presentation on family-work balance would have been better with a panel of women who are in a variety of different situations. It should have been more of a discussion and celebration of the number of choices we have rather than one person addressing the group because there isn't just one way to do it. It should have directed the discussion to the fact that there are many different alls and women shouldn't be judged for the decisions we make when it comes to bettering ourselves and our families. Everyone has different wants and needs, especially after you have a baby and I no longer care if the new postdoc looks at me and thinks I’m wasting my education or doesn't understand what all the "fuss about babies is." Carpino suggests re-framing our mindset to think “I know what matters most to me, and I’m honoring that, every day, with every choice and decision I make.” And I feel like I'm doing that.

What about you? Are you honoring what matters most to you? What is your all?

My son's open heart surgery to repair a VSD/ASD (a short memoir)

Dennis and I spent the better part of our relationship not wanting kids. We discussed it at great length. We didn’t want the responsibility. We wanted freedom. We wanted to maintain our lifestyle. (Like we were jetting off to Paris every other weekend…ha!) Then, one day, I felt it in my bones. I wanted a baby and I couldn’t think of anything else. So we tried. And I got pregnant. And we had our Weston. Our beautiful, happy, baby boy.

The next day, after being examined by the hospital pediatrician, we found out he had a heart murmur. Three days later our pediatrician referred us to a pediatric cardiologist. About a week later, she diagnosed Weston with a congenital heart defect- a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) and an Atrial Septal Defect. Two holes in his heart.

In many cases, VSDs and ASDs close on their own. Sometimes, they never close, but the individual can lead a normal life with little worry. It all depends on the size and location of the defect. In Weston’s case, the VSD was very large and extremely close to a valve, and if left untreated could cause serious damage to his heart and lungs.

Two weeks after he was born I should have been home relaxing, laying with him in my arms, recovering from giving birth. Bonding. Instead, I found myself driving around from pediatrician to cardiologist to surgeon to track his development and prepare for open-heart surgery. The day we found out he would eventually need surgery we felt anxious, sad, broken. We didn’t understand. It was Halloween. We went home, disconnected the doorbell and hid downstairs cuddling our little man and crying, scared out of our freaking minds.

We were suddenly thrown into the life of parents with a ‘sick kid.’ Blood tests, diuretics, liquid vitamins. Round the clock feeding. Extra pumping sessions. Ultrasounds, EKGs, weight checks. Back to work. Weight loss. Failure to thrive. Family Sick Leave. Two and half months later, it was time.

People ask me how I got through it. How I stayed so strong and stoic. How I didn’t cry every time I thought I about what could happen. They couldn’t imagine. The truth is, after the reality of the situation sunk in, I never thought of him as a ‘sick kid.’ Yes, I knew that he had a heart defect. That he wasn’t gaining weight or growing at the proper rate. But after talking extensively to our pediatrician, the cardiologist, the surgeon, and our nurse practitioner case manager, I knew he could be fixed. His condition was scary, but once we calmed down, researched the condition, and talked at length with the doctors it became more manageable. We were lucky. He had something that could be fixed. Easily. Well, if you’re a pediatric heart surgeon that is. Every time I talked to the doctor or surgeon they did not seem worried. Of course there is always a risk, but as they explained, that risk is so small with this kind of procedure. VSD/ASDs are common and this procedure is performed by pediatric cardiologist surgeons daily across the country.

Don’t get me wrong. I was scared. In his two and half months of life my baby boy had brought me more joy and love for him and my husband than I could have ever imagined I would feel. I couldn’t imagine losing him. We never even uttered the words ‘risk of death.’ We never had to. The doctors could see the questions in our eyes as I am sure they do with every patient and they did everything to reassure us that the risk was so minimal that we didn’t have to think about it. I tried not to, but of course I did. In the weeks preceding the surgery, during our morning nursing session I would talk to him and tell him that he needed to eat as much as he could and rest as much as he needed. That I would literally let him nurse round the clock if I had too. That I would do anything for him. I told him all the wonderful things he had done for me and his daddy in his few short months on the planet, how happy he made us and that he couldn’t leave us. I only allowed myself to dwell on it for that morning nursing session. I cried. I held him. I nursed him. And then we went about our day. I think allowing myself that short time to process the unknown but not let it linger throughout the day was important. At the end of the day, I put my faith into science, modern medicine, and some of the best surgeons in the pediatric field.

On December 19, 2013, Weston went in for surgery. His Grandma Deb-Deb, Grandma, Papa, and Aunts and Uncles were there to support us. The nursing staff walked us through the paperwork, the risk of surgery, what we would we would see in the NICU post-surgery. We put on his little hospital gown and kissed him a thousand times. He smiled as they wheeled him away into surgery. The surgery was performed by Dr. Michel Ilbawi and Dr. Sujata Subramanian and a team of highly skilled nurses and nurse practitioners. We went to the waiting room and three and half hours later he was fixed! They were able to patch the larger VSD with gortex and the smaller ASD by simply sewing it together. Muscle would eventually grow over the gortex and his heart should grow normally.

I know it sounds funny, but I think I was most distressed when I saw Weston in the NICU. He had tubes coming from what seemed like every hole in his body. He had a drainage tube coming out of his chest. He had a little O2 monitor on his baby big toe, glowing a bright red, which we nicknamed Rudolph toe. As he was coming out of anesthesia, he had these extremely heavy breaths and his eyes would sort of pop open, roll to the back of his head, and then close. As soon as I walked in, I broke into tears. The next day, I was finally able to hold him. And again, I broke down in tears. I’ll never forget Dr. Nader, the cardiologist on staff that afternoon. She let me hold my baby, encouraged me to nurse him, and told me the best medicine for our little Weston was lots of love, smiles, and cuddles. The staff took amazing care of our son.  Every single member of the staff we encountered was genuinely concerned, answered our questions, extremely respectful, and just plain nice. We ended up having to spend three days in ICU, because there was a shortage of beds in the children’s hospital. In most cases, the child is transferred to a regular hospital room about a day later as long as there are no complications and everything checks out. We were encouraged to stay at the Ronald McDonald House across the street. I cannot say enough good things about that place either.  Beautiful, comfortable rooms, a wonderful staff, snacks, food, coffee.  An amazingly comfortable bed.  It was the perfect place to relax and sleep after long days and evenings in the hospital.

We took him home two days before Christmas Eve. We had some restrictions- we couldn’t hold him under the armpits, we could only cradle him, and we had to sponge bathe him for a few weeks- but that was it. They instructed us how to care for his chest tube incision, what to look out for in terms of infection and healing and sent us on our way. Follow up appointments were a breeze and almost a year later, he’s doing wonderfully! He has a scar on his chest that we keep covered in the summer. According to the Nurse Practitioners- as long as we keep it out of the sun, by the time he hits puberty, there will be almost no scar left.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of and/or sing the praises of Dr. Ilbawi and the staff at Advocate Children’s Hospital. They saved my baby and for that I am forever grateful.

I recently was contacted by our pediatric cardiologist's office to see if I would talk to another mother whose son was recently diagnosed with a similar condition.  I am very thankful that I was able to share our positive story with her and if you stumbled upon this post looking for some answers, I would be happy to share more of our story with you.  I know there are people out there who are not so lucky and I cannot even begin to understand the pain and suffering that some families go through and my heart goes out to those families. We are fortunate enough to be a success story and I acknowledge that every day.